The K.F. Stone Weekly

North Korea, Cuba and -Sir Charles Chaplin

 

Audio Link to "North Korea, Cuba and Sir Charles Chaplin"

All the folderol concerning the Rogen/Franco/Goldberg film The Interview, the alleged North Korean hacking into Sony Pictures' cyber secrets and the latter's caving in due to the fear of God knows what . . . all this has led me to thoughts of  Charlie Chaplin's 1940 classic The Great Dictator.  At first blush this shouldn't seem too terribly odd; after all, both films do mock dictators.  

What may well seem terribly odd at first blush is that President Obama's announcement concerning the normalization of relations with Cuba also brought Sir Charles' brilliant film to mind -- but obviously for much different reasons.

With regards to The Interview, I am by no means the only one who finds a link to Chaplin's The Great Dictator.  However, where many find common cause by identifying both films as satires, I beg to differ: The Great Dictator is satire of the most scathing and courageous kind. By comparison, from what we've seen of its trailer (and the opinion of another "Hollywood Brat" who actually attended a private screening) The Interview is not satire; its low-brow, scatological schoolboy humor.  (Double click image below for full screen version:)  

 

"Satire," according to writer Phillip Roth, "is moral outrage transformed into creative art."  By that measure, Chaplin's The Great Dictator is satire at its courageous best.  When Chaplin made his film -- with his own money -- Hitler had already taken over a big chunk of Europe and had many, many supporters in the United States.  In lampooning him as "Adenoid Hynkel, the Phooey of Tomania," Chaplin was cutting a monster down to size; making him an object of derisive laughter.  Rogan/Franco/Goldberg, on the other hand, weren't taking many chances; Kim Jung-Un is more at war with himself than the world, and has few if any supporters anywhere outside of a tight ruling elite in North Korea.  Hitler's bluster was backed up with real bombs and real bullets; Kim's bombast is broad, but shallow.

Chaplin's Hollywood colleague's begged him to shelve The Great Dictator for fear that they would lose market share in Europe and South America. He ignored their pleas.  In his autobiography he wrote, "I was determined to go ahead, for Hitler must be laughed at ... I was determined to ridicule [the Nazis'] mystic bilge about a pure-blooded race . . ." He released the film, got sterling reviews received 5 Academy Awards nominations, won the New York Film Critics Circle Award for Best Picture and earned the Little Tramp a cool $9 million. (That's nearly $150 million in today's dollars). It has been making money and new fans ever since, and has one of the highest ratings on the Internet Movie Data Base (8.5) and Rotten Tomatoes (92%).
 

 By comparison, The Interview, which only a handful have actually seen, has a perfect "10" rating on the IMDB and a lowly 53% at Rotten Tomatoes.  Personally, I believe that Sony Pictures and the various theater chains which refused to screen the picture made a mistake and set a dangerous and cowardly precedent.  The fact that The Interview was green-lighted in the first place shows how far Hollywood has fallen since the days of the great studios.  From what I can tell, it has neither the robust satire nor the biting wit of Chaplin's The Great Dictator; it is a $47 million schoolboy prank.

Which brings us to Chaplin's film and President Obama's announcement regarding Cuba.  What relationship -- if any -- could the two possibly have?    

In a single word: leadership

Now that President Obama is in the final two years of his presidency, he has decided to don a Superman suit and accomplish things that Congress would not -- or could not get done.  Predictably, his executive order normalizing relations with Cuba has drawn tremendous heat and ridicule from those who can be counted on to lambast his every move. At a recent press conference, Florida Senator Marco Rubio termed the president's action "Absurd," "Disgraceful," a "Concession to tyranny," and "Conceding to the oppressors."  Moreover, Rubio, the son of Cuban immigrants said, "I now know for a fundamental truth that this is going to make the day democracy comes to Cuba even further away." 

One can easily ask what has Congress done in more than half a century to advance the cause of democracy coming to Cuba -- save cutting off diplomatic relations and maintaining an economic embargo?  The answer, in two words, is "absolutely nothing,."  They have used Cuba as a political wedge issue meant to keep a steady flow of votes and dollars coming their way.  And so, into this void came President Obama who, exercising his executive prerogative made a leadership decision.  And for leading -- instead of doing nothing -- he is vilified.  He has also been vilified for his executive decision regarding immigration reform -- something which again, Congress has failed to enact.  I have to believe that at this point in time the president expects to be vilified -- when he leads, when he compromises, when he waits to see what Congress will do.

At the end of The Great Dictator, Chaplin's Jewish barber -- his Hynkel doppelgänger -- addresses hundreds of thousands of his fellow Tomanians who are breathlessly waiting their leader's words of wisdom.  In what has come to be known as the "Look up Hannah speech," the barber, dressed as Hynkel, speaks the words which are both uplifting and hopeful -- precisely what a leader is supposed to do.  (I must admit that despite having watched this speech more than a hundred time (!) it never ceases to bring a tear.  It is, in my estimation, the finest speech ever committed to film.)

  

 For those who do not have the ability to watch Chaplin's speech, here is what he says:

 

I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an emperor. That's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another.

In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The airplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all.

Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers! Don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you; who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don't hate! Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers! Don't fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power. Let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up Hannah! The clouds are lifting! The sun is breaking through! We are coming out of the darkness into the light! We are coming into a new world; a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed, and brutality. Look up, Hannah! The soul of man has been given wings and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow! Into the light of hope, into the future! The glorious future that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up!

Indeed, look up . . .

Copyright©2014 Kurt F. Stone

 

 

Of Giants and Pygmies

 

 

Audio Link to : "Of Giants and Pygmies"

Come the fifth of January 2015, Congress will be without a handful of giants, all of whom have decided to retire. The upcoming 114th Congress will be the first since 1933 without a Michigan Representative named John David Dingell. (It should be noted that there will  still be

 

Sen. Carl Levin: A Giant

a Michigan Representative named Dingell: John Jr's. wife Debbie.)  Moreover, Michigan will no longer be represented by Carl Levin in the Senate; he's retiring after six 6-year terms.  Likewise, the House will be without two California giants: Henry Waxman and George Miller, both of whom entered Congress on January 3, 1975.  And then there's Iowa, where, after 30 years, Senator Tom Harkin has retired.

 

These five giants, who served in the House or Senator for a combined 206 years, were among the most powerful and respected members of Congress and collectively were responsible for enacting 163 laws signed by the President of the United States.  Among their varied accomplishments: 

• Rep. John Dingell, Jr., taking a page from his father who served in the House from 1933-1955,  introduced National Healthcare Legislation on the first day of every Congress.  That would be from 1955 to 2014. He was one of the earliest fathers of the Affordable Healthcare Act, and the longest-tenured member of Congress in the country's history.
• Sen. Carl Levin, the longtime Chair of the Senate Armed Services Committee, was generally recognized as one of the Upper Chambers most respected authorities on all things military.  His brother Sandy, continues to serve in the House.
• Sen. Tom Harkin will forever be known as "The father of the Americans With Disabilities Act" (ADA).
• Rep. Henry Waxman was the father of both the  Orphan Drug Act (1983) and the Clean Air Act (1990) and, as Chair of the House Energy and Health Subcommittee on Health and the Environment, held some of the earliest Congressional hearings on AIDS, universal health insurance and tobacco.
• Rep. George Miller, the longtime Chair of the House Labor and Education Committee, successfully sponsored important legislation on behalf of workers and students, and was responsible for creating two new national parks: Death Valley and Josha Tree.

 

Yes indeed, the 114th Congress will be without some of its giants . . . and pygmies as well.

Pygmies?

Yes indeed, pygmies.

When it convenes on January 5, the House will be without five world-class pygmies: Representatives Steve Stockman (TX), Kerry Bentivolio (MI), Steve Southerland (FL),

 

Michele Bachmann: A Pigmy

Paul Broun (GA), and the "pygmiest pygmy of them all," Michele Bachmann (MN). With the exception of Ms. Bachmann, who had announced her retirement back on May 29, 2013, the other four were either defeated in their House primaries (Southerland, Broun and Bentivolio), or lost in a primary for Senate (Stockman). Serving a combined 24 years in Congress, none of the five were known for their legislative accomplishments; between them they had precisely 0 bills which became law. Rather,  they were far better known for quotable quotes and twerpy tweets:

Rep. Steve Stockman

• In April, Stockman's Twitter account showed off his latest bumper sticker, which said, simply, "If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted."
• At one point, Stockman went after the Kinsey Report, the epochal mid-20th century work by biologist Alfred Kinsey. He actually introduced  a bill trying to get the federal government to defund any programs based on Kinsey's work. At the time, Stockman said "This indicates that the basis of sex education in America is a study of the systematic molestation of children as young as four-months-old."
• In November of 2013, when the initial enrollment numbers for Obamacare were released, Stockman tweeted "About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia."

Rep. Steve Southerland

•  When challenged on many of his positions regarding women, Southerland proclaimed: "I’m not sexist, look, I know some women. [That I’m related to]."
• Invoked the shooting of former Arizona Rep. Gabby Giffords to make the case that his salary of $174,000 per year as a representative was “not enough.” 
• Southerland, being scored about how much members of Congress earn in comparison to the average wage earner, said: “If you think this job pays too much, with those kinds of risks and cutting me off from my family business, I’ll just tell you: This job don’t mean that much to me. I had a good life in Panama City.”

Rep. Paul Broun, M.D.

 

• A practicing physician, Broun has repeated declared that “God’s word is true. I’ve come to understand that. All that stuff I was taught about evolution, embryology, Big Bang theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of hell. It’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who are taught that from understanding that they need a savior."
• During his recent race for the Senate (in which he came in 5th in a 7 person Republican field), Broun’s fundraising letters boasted that he was “the first Member of Congress to call [Obama] a socialist who embraces Marxist-Leninist policies” and said last month that given the chance he’d vote to impeach the president.
• In 2008 Broun claimed that President Obama, whom he likened to Adolf Hitler and Karl Marx, was plotting an armed takeover with a civilian military force.

 Rep. Kerry Bentivilio

• Speaking before the Birmingham/Bloomfield (MI) Republican Club, Bentivolio said that it would be a “dream come true” to submit a bill to impeach President Obama. Bentivolio also said he had had meetings with lawyers asking them to “tell me how I can impeach” the president of the United States.
• When asked "If you could make an amendment to the Constitution, what would it be?" Bentivolio responded, " I would entertain a debate on repealing the 17th Amendment." (n.b.: This is the amendment which made the popular election of U.S. Senators possible.)
  
  

And then there is Michele Bachmann.

Throughout her 4 terms in Congress and her utterly quixotic run for the Republican presidential nomination, Bachmann has been an eminently quotable gargoyle of fatuity.  Consider but a handful:

• "If we took away the . . .  we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." (Jan. 2005)
•  "I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?" (Oct. 2008)
• "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." (April 2009)
• "I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine (HPV), that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter." (Sep. 2011).
• "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." (Jan. 2011.  n.b. The Founders did not work to end slavery, and J.Q. Adams was not a founder, but rather the son of a founder.)

Yes, the upcoming 114th Congress will be a much poorer place because of the absence of Waxman, Levin, Miller and Harkin . . . and a far less entertaining place because of the absense of Stockman, Southerland, Bachmann and Bentivolio.

At least we'll still have Elizabeth Warren to marvel at and Louis Gohmert to kick around

Copyright©2014 Kurt F. Stone

This Just In . . . From a Parallel Universe

 

Audio Link to This Just In . . . From a Parallel Universe

 

Nearly 35 years ago a cosmologist named Alan Guth first posited a parallel universes theory.  Although "I am not a scientist" -- to use a phrase which is currently all the rage --  I can tell you that Guth's theory holds that atomic particles have the ability to exist simultaneously in more than  one place at the same time.  If Guth's theory is correct -- and tons of theoretical physicists and cosmologists believe it is -- it would mean that there are many universes, all of which would appear to have the same properties and abide by the same law of physics. Because this theory can’t fully be proven, there is speculation as to what these other universes hold.  That's where the fun comes in. It is entirely possible that in a parallel universe Charlie Chaplin is the world's greatest tragedian and Lawrence Olivier the best slapstick comedian; that redwoods swim and rhinoceros fly; that Ted Cruz is a mad leftist and Barack Obama a militant conservative.

Keeping this prolegomenon in mind, and inserting tongue in cheek, we present the following news item from a parallel universe . . .

 

WASHINGTON -- Within minutes of the White House announcing that U.S. Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl had died in captivity, Capitol Hill was abuzz with condemnation -- from both sides of the political aisle.

Speaking of what he called ". . . the nation's sacred historic obligation to leave no serviceman or woman behind," Arizona Senator John McCain (R-AZ) -- who himself was a POW during the Vietnam War -- stated "President Obama's hands are stained with Bowe Bergdahl's blood."  Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) castigated the president, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel and Secretary of State John Kerry for what he called ". . . their shocking lack of diplomatic skill or ability," and referred to Sgt. Bergdahl as "a great American hero . . . a man steeped in the tradition of Nathan Hale."  House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chair Darrell Issa (R-CA) called for immediate hearings ". . . at which we will seek to determine how in the world the White House failed to negotiate a prisoner swap with the Taliban."  Fox News Commentator Bill O'Reilly noted that "America is supposed go the extra mile when it comes to our brave men and women in uniform.  To leave behind -- thereby causing the death -- of even a single soldier, sailor or marine is an impeachable offense.  Obama should have learned from our Israeli allies who traded 1,027 Palestinians and Arab-Israelis -- more than 280 of whom had been sentenced to life in prison for perpetrating terrorist attacks -- for Gilad Shalit.  That's the way to show loyalty to one's own . . . and stick a finger in the eye of the enemy."

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in the White House Rose Garden, President Obama said he stood firm in his decision not to negotiate for Sgt. Bergdahl's release.  "Simply stated," Obama told the assembled reporters, "America does not . . . I repeat, does not negotiate with terrorists.  If we did, what would this be saying to our enemies?  I'll tell you what: That if you capture a U.S. soldier, you can trade that soldier for your fellow terrorists that we've taken off the field of battle."

Former Representative Alan West (R-FL) took the president to task, telling Fox News ". . . one would hope that as a father, as a parent, he would understand that you move heaven and earth to save the life of your child."  Speaking of Sgt. Bergdahl's father, Robert, West added, "Look at this man: in his single-minded desire to see his son freed, Robert Bergdahl stopped shaving and even learned to speak Pashto -- the language of his son's captors -- so he could appeal to them directly in words they would understand.  This is what a father does!  This is how far a parent goes!  But not president Barry Obama . . ."

Not all the president's critics were Republicans.

Senate Intelligence Committee chair Dianne Feinstein's (D-CA), response to the president's statement that "The United States does not negotiate with terrorists," was both scolding and didactic: "While the president may be correct in his assertion that we do not negotiate with terrorists, the Haqqani network -- the people who held Sgt. Bergdahl captive -- are not terrorists, according to the letter of the law.  The Foreign Relations Authorization Act, section 140(d)(2) defines 'terrorism' as 'premeditated, politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents.'  Sgt. Bergdahl was not a 'noncombatant.'  He was a soldier fighting in a war, which means that his capture was not an act of terrorism, his captors not, by definition terrorists.  As such, the president could have -- should have -- negotiated with them.  To do otherwise, which led to Sgt. Bergdahl's death -- is total  dereliction of duty -- the antithesis of leadership." 

A growing number of Democratic House and Senate candidates are seeking to distance themselves from the White House, most stating that they did not agree with the President's decision . . .

 

Remarkable, isn't it?  In a parallel universe, the right shoe is worn on the left foot, Haydn tops the hip-hop charts and Lebron James is a CPA.  The one thing that seems unchanged is that no matter what President Obama does -- or does not do -- he is slammed.  In a parallel universe, Sgt. Bergdahl is a hero; swapping Islamic terrorists for a U.S. prisoner of war is kosher; learning Pashto and growing a long beard a sign of parental fealty.  Regardless of which universe we visit, President Obama is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Here in this universe, things are pretty screwed up as well. In the words of Esquire's Charles Pierce, "The kidz and their recess monitors are busily fashioning a yellow ribbon into a noose for Bowe Bergdahl, whom they congratulate for being home so that they can calumnize him, his family, his service, and the president who got him here."

I guess professor Guth was right: atomic particles (like political craziness) have the ability to exist simultaneously in more than  one place at the same time. 

Or, to put it into terms that all us non-scientists can easily grok, "The more things change, the more they remain the same."

Pity, isn't it?

 

©2014 Kurt F. Stone

Fred Phelps Meets His Maker . . . Sort Of

 

Audio Link To "Fred Phelps Meets His Maker . . . Sort Of"

 

This past Thursday, the Rev. Fred Phelps passed away at age 84. Phelps was the virulently antigay preacher who attracted overwhelming condemnation and revulsion for picketing military funerals as a way to proclaim his and his tiny church's belief that God is punishing America for its tolerance of homosexuality. For years, Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, a small independent church in Topeka, Kansas, was a much-loathed figure on the outer fringe of the American religious scene. Phelps and his flock -- made up largely of his own family which included 13 children, 54 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren -- were regularly denounced by people across the theologic and political spectrum for their beliefs, language and tactics.  In bipolar contravention of Christian dogma, Phelps' God was suffused with hatred for -- and vengeance against -- gays, lesbians as well as the society which permitted them to exist. In Phelps' worldview, any and all lethal tragedies -- hurricanes, floods, terrorist attacks, wars -- were vengeful acts of a malevolent God who, above everything, despised homosexuals and homosexuality. And yet, despite the all but universal revulsion Phelps' crusade met with, he continued his very public attacks, armed with nothing more than the utter certainty of a deeply deluded fool.

Upon learning of his death, I began wondering what kind of reception would be awaiting him in the world beyond . . . of what his final judgment might be.  What follows is one possibility . . .

The Scene: A spare room with a series of hard wooden benches facing a scarred wooden desk.  Sitting at the desk is a sinuous wraith of a man.  He is of undetermined age and has a wild manic look about him. He is forever gnawing on his fingers.  The only other soul in the room is Rev. Fred Phelps, who, after sitting on the bench for what seems to him an eternity, makes his way up to the desk.  He addresses the wraith-like man:

Phelps: "How long are you going to make me wait?  Will you please inform God that His ardent, most zealous servant Fred Phelps has arrived and seeks an immediate audience?"

The Wraith: "God?  What makes you think that God is available to you?  And what makes you think that God is a 'He?'"

Phelps: "Crap-and-half!  Don't tell me there's political correctness in heaven too!  I had enough of that bilge down on earth.  There's no way in heaven God can be a She; I know this for a fact.  But never mind; if God isn't currently available, please let St. Peter know that I am here awaiting entrance to the Eternal Kingdom."

The Wraith: "St. Peter?"  Where in the Hell do you think you are?  Does this look like Heaven's antechamber?  Do you see any pearly gates?" 

Phelps: "So where am I . . . and who in the Hell are you?"

The Wraith: "You, Fred Phelps have arrived at the entrance to Hell, a place to which you have been consigned for the rest of eternity for being an utterly irreligious, hateful miscreant.  And as for me, I am Count Ugolino della Gherardesca  . . . one of the Gatekeepers of Hell.  Perhaps you have heard of me and know my story?"

Phelps: "I haven't the slightest idea who you are and could give a rat's rump.  Just get off your rump and tell St. Peter that I'm here.  I don't belong in Hell, for I am a Crusader on behalf of the Lord. Perhaps it is you who have not heard of me or know my reputation!" 

Count Ugolino: "Oh, we all know your name and reputation Reverend Phelps.  You are the man who stood religion upon its head and turned a merciful loving God into an instrument of vile hate.  And by the way, if you want to know who I am I suggest that you read Dante's Inferno.  I am the fellow who ate the corpses of his children after they had died of starvation.  I was also immortalized by Rodin in his sculpture The Gates of Hell, which is precisely where you are right now."

Phelps: I really could care less about you and your appetite. What I do care about is claiming my rightful place among the righteous and dutiful servants of our Lord and Savior.  After all, it was I who, more than anyone, steadfastly understood God's admonition that 'You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.'  I would assume that you are familiar with that Biblical verse Count whatever your name is?

Count Ugolino: "Sure, it's Leviticus 18:22.  And, according to my notes, that seems to be just about the only verse in the entire Scripture that ever seems to have interested you . . . and that's out of 5,845 verses!  You certainly have been the living definition of an obsessive-compulsive.  Is it perhaps a case of 'me thinks the lady doth protest a bit too much,' sweetie?" 

Phelps: You can mock me all you want you blasted kiddy eater.  That's not the only verse that 'interests me,' to use your sarcastic phrase.  There's also Leviticus 20:13, which, in God's own words, clearly states: 'If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.'  Try and argue against that!  Aren't the words as clear as mother's milk?  Does or does not the Bible make it perfectly clear that homosexuality is a sin punishable by death . . . that God hates homosexuals?"

Count Ugolino: "You know something Rev. Phelps?  You are a real piece of work.  Instead of answering your last question about whether or not God clearly reviles homosexuals, I would remind you of two other verses: the first from Proverbs 6:16-19: 'There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.' The second is from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice: 'The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. An evil soul producing holy witness Is like a villain with a smiling cheek, A goodly apple rotten at the heart.'  You, Fred Phelps are guilty of all seven things which the Lord hates and are the living embodiment Antonio's words about the devil. If you're so all-fired true to what the Bible commands, what about the punishment for lighting a fire on Sabbath, or wearing a garment of wool and linen or eating pork, lobster or crab?  Aren't they punishable sins as well?  But no . . . you chose precisely one verse, one issue, and then used it to turn a loving, beneficent and merciful God into an instrument of unmitigated vengeance.  And what is doubtlessly even worse, by picketing all those funerals -- the funerals of war heroes and murder victims -- you were hurling mephitic acid into the faces of the bereaved.  Turns out that you, sir, are the very abomination you revile . . . "

Phelps: "You're one to talk!  If you're so all-knowing, tell me this: if God judged me to be so totally lacking, such a base sinner, why then did He permit me to live beyond the four-score years which King David recorded as being a full life?  How do you explain that?  Riddle me that riddle!"

Count Ugolino: "God knew you'd ask this question, and dictated the following response: 'Reverend Phelps: everyone who comes through My world is a teacher of something.  For some it is mathematics or history; for others it is righteousness, patience or curiosity.  Every once in a while though, there will be an individual who teaches what not to be . . . how not to act.  That person is you. I permitted you to live a full 84 years because I wanted the maximum number of people to learn of -- and become utterly repulsed by -- your actions.  And believe me, you more than lived up to my expectations.  The irony is that because of the odious nature of your deeds, it is likely that you have done more to foster understanding, tolerance and -- dare I say, acceptance -- between gay and straight people than just about anyone else in your generation. You can now live with that delicious incongruity throughout eternity, as now you enter through the portal to damnation.  Count, please open the door."

Count Ugolino: "Your wish is my command, O Lord." 

The door is opened and slowly Fred Phelps begins shuffling into the black fires of damnation.  But just before he is engulfed, he turns and cries out "Father, do you hate me that much ?"  To which God answers:

God: "No, I love you Fred Phelps.  Even you do I love. But I absolutely, irrevocably abhor what you did, what you said and what you became. And for your information Fred,  it's Mother . . ."  

2014 Kurt F. Stone

 

This Week's Guest Columnist: God

An introductory note: Lest anyone feel the necessity of getting their knickers in a twist over this week's piece, please note before reading that it is satire, herein defined as "a literary composition in verse or prose, in which human folly or vice are held up to scorn, derision or ridicule." It will be left to the individual reader's determination as to whether the piece is literary . . . or literate.

 

It seems that once again, President Obama is in deep water with many of those who claim to be my most loyal adherents. From what I read and hear, these children of mine are acting . . . well, very childishly. They are all terribly exorcised over the fact that the president did not mention me during his brief Thanksgiving address last Thursday (Although he did end his message with "And may God bless you" and did issue thanks in an earlier speech while pardoning a turkey). "Somebody ought to remind Obama that when Americans sit down around a meal today and give thanks, they give thanks to God," one columnist acidly noted. A Fox News personality complained that the president's "remarks were void of any religious references although Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God." Yet a third -- one Ben Shapiro -- tweeted "Unreal that Obama doesn't mention God in Thanksgiving message. Militant atheist. To whom does he think we are giving thanks?"

For the love of God! (Or should I say "For the love of Me?") With all the unemployment, gross income inequality, global warming and international chaos going on around the planet, this is the best they can come up with? This is the most important issue to discuss? If giving me my due in public is so all fired important, why didn't these same folks go after Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum -- none of whom mentioned me in their Thanksgiving messages? Its all rather silly and puerile, and brings to mind a couple of quotes from two of my most gifted children: William Shakespeare and King Solomon. The first two come from Willie -- "Much Ado About Nothing," and "What a piece of work is a man . . ." The second is from the quill of King Shlomo who, writing under the pen name of Koheleth (that's Ecclesiastes to my non-Jewish children) noted "There's nothing new under the sun."

Do all those currently deriding Barack Obama for failing to mention me really believe they've hit on something new? Stuff and nonsense! More importantly, are they really all that outraged and offended by his omission? Likely not, but hey, anything they can tar the man with they see as fair game.

How well I remember the political food fight between Adams and Jefferson back in 1800. To me, it seems like only yesterday. First, campaigners for the young "Sage of Monticello" accused "Old Sink or Swim" of having a "hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman." In response, Adams' surrogates called Jefferson "a mean-spirited, low-lived fellow, the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father . . . a weakling, an atheist, a libertine, and a coward!" One thing you've got to hand them: back then calumnies had a lot more linguistic "oopmh" then they do today.

Now, did Jefferson's mouthpieces really, truly believe that Adams was a "hideous hermaphroditical creature?" Of course not, although it did make for a pretty nifty alliteration. Likewise, I can tell you that none of Adams' handlers went to bed at night thinking "Jefferson is a half-breed atheist." So why did they even bother giving voice to these slurs? Politics and the art of winning, plain and simple. Indeed, there is "Nothing new under the sun." I told you King Sol was one gifted son-of-a-gun . . .

Personally, I can tell you that I get more than my share of thanks from people attending churches, synagogues, mosques and other assorted houses of worship. I don't need -- nor particularly want -- thanks from politicians on the hustings. I am humbled by all those invoking my name and giving thanks before meals; I am delighted whenever anyone engages in feeding the poor, clothing the naked or caring for the orphaned, the homeless or the sick. I am not in the least offended when people take the time to question my existence or wonder aloud why bad things happen to good people. Doing justice, loving mercy and walking with humility; these have always been my three highest priorities for all of you.

On the other hand, I am really stupefied by all those who use my name -- or worse, call upon me -- to justify acts of violence, bigotry, destruction or utter selfishness. Please be forewarned: claiming to know my will better than the next guy is not a good way to earn divine points; proclaiming that you are more pious or beloved than the next guy is the precise opposite of piety or divine love. How person X, Y, or Z will be judged in the end of days -- and when that end will come -- is my business, not yours.

Now, with regards to politics in the United States, let me state emphatically that I lean toward neither the Democrats nor the Republicans; I favor neither the Tea Party nor the Occupy Wall Street Crowd; that I can just as easily love and bless a conservative as a Communist. As the one whose very essence is existence, I transcend all labels. If you wish to know something of my political ideals, study the Bible; don't just quote it from memory -- really, truly study it along with as many commentaries as you can comprehend. There you will discover that I am on the side of the poor and downtrodden; that I loathe war and baseless hatred; that I really, truly have created you to be each others keepers. What you will not find is that I have a position on Capital Gains taxes, Oil Depletion Allowances, prayer in the public schools, carrying concealed weapons are a thousand-and-one other temporal issues. (Although I must say, having paid a great deal of attention to how my children are treated in the workplace, I am far more pro-labor than management.) Do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- use my name to justify your political platforms; I am not here to endorse anyone's candidacy. For you see, my dear children, I really, truly do believe in the separation of church -- and synagogue and mosque -- and state. I mean after all, it is I who created Thomas Jefferson.

Personally, I could care less if President Obama mentions me in a Thanksgiving address. That is mere verbiage. What I do care about is how he -- and his administration and the Congress and the nation he tries to lead act -- not what they say.

So roll up your sleeves, park your arch pettiness by the side of the road, and try working together for the common good -- not just the enrichment of the already rich.

That will be thanks enough . . .

©2011 Kurt F. Stone

Things They Never Taught Us in Grad School

Not wishing to sound hubristic -- and keeping in mind King Solomon's admonition that "Pride goes before destruction and haughtiness before a fall" -- I want to say a word or two about my education. While I certainly make no claim whatsoever to being the smartest fellow on the block, I will proudly own up to having been afforded a truly marvelous, first-rate education. Thanks to a host of factors including family circumstance, I was able to attend some great colleges and universities and earn four degrees over a nearly eleven-year period. And unlike a college education today, mine was bereft of anything even remotely practical; I studied Greek, Latin, French, Hebrew, Aramaic and Yiddish and took courses in everything from Greek philosophy and Chinese history to the Phenomenology of Husserl and the string quartets of Beethoven. Along the way I had the chance to read much of the world's great literature, learn a lot of history, economics, political philosophy and natural science, and have my thought processes challenged and shaped by some truly brilliant mentors.

The more one learns, the more one wants to learn. The more one knows, the more one realizes how little they know. The more one studies, the more one understands that knowledge is both a process and a destination.

I well remember my father -- whose own college career came to a screeching halt with the Depression -- saying me time and time again, "Kurt, tell me about this course: why are you taking it? What do you think it's going to lead to?" My answer, invariably, would be, "What's it going to lead to? Not much . . . except an increased thirst for knowledge." And although Dad never really came to grips with his only son's "air-headedness," he did continue to support my dream of becoming the best-educated kid on the block.

Hell, I couldn't hit a curve ball or nail a three-pointer . . .

Without question, the pursuit of knowledge can take a person down a lot of varied roads; some are paved and straight; others meandering and deeply potholed. Hopefully, they all headed to a destination called "truth."

Having written the above, it is with a certain amount of stupefaction that I report on some of the "facts" or "truths" they never taught us in grad school:

• That the "Shot heard 'round the world" occurred in Concord, New Hampshire, not Massachusetts. (Michelle Bachmann, 8/28/11)
  
• That the purpose of Paul Revere's Midnight Ride was to ". . . warn the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms . . ." (Sarah Palin, 6/5/11)
• That it was the Constitution -- and not the Declaration of Independence -- which speaks of "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (Herman Cain, 5/21/11)
• John Quincy Adams (1767-1848) was one of America's Founding Fathers, despite being a mere 9 years old in 1776. (Michele Bachmann 6/28/11)
• Not only were America's Founding Fathers all against the institution of slavery, they fought a War of Independence against Britain to bring it to an end. (David Barton 6/28/11)
• Looking ahead to 2012, America should be mindful of the threat posed by a rising U.S.S.R. (Michele Bachmann, 8/19/11)
• That most people on public assistance use the money they receive from the government to purchase illegal drugs (FL. Gov. Rick Scott, 6/5/11)
• One of the main causes of America's economic reverses is the rapacity of labor unions.
  
• Both Social Security and Medicare violate the Constitution and are tantamount to slavery. (Rep. Ron Paul, 5/15/11)
• Global Warming is a hoax perpetrated by Socialists and liberals. There isn't a shred of scientific proof that the earth is getting warmer or that man has caused it. (Rush Limbaugh, 2/15/10)
  

These are merely a few of the more egregious "facts" that have found a believing audience these past few months. These are, of course, in addition to three classic "truths":

• Government, far from being a remedy, is the source of most of America's problems.
• The cure to nearly everything that ails modern American society is a combination of lower taxes and less regulation.
• The Second Amendment permits virtually unfettered possession of any and all kinds of weapons and ammunition; that even a single limitation upon this right is but the precursor to government confiscating all weapons.

Part of the price we pay for living in a society which guarantees the right of free speech is permitting the existence -- and global airing -- of such manufactured "facts" and "truths." That is not the problem. What is a problem is that for far too many, the mere appearance of a "fact" on radio, television or the Internet makes it true. What is an even bigger problem is that many of those who give voice to these "truths" know them to be baldfaced lies. For many, the knowing promulgation of falsity fuels notoriety, which in turn can lead to celebrity.

Far too many of our so-called leaders -- and those who seek to shape public opinion -- find no problem in displaying how much they don't know. When made aware of a mistatement of fact, one would hope and expect an errant pedant or prophet to listen and learn. One would hope. But today this is increasingly no longer the case. Recently, when George Stephanopolous challenged Michele Bachmann's statements regarding the Founding Fathers (including the pre-teen J.Q. Adams) as working tirelessly to end slavery she refused to back down from what were obvious misstatements of historic truth. And far from admitting that perhaps -- just perhaps -- Ms. Bachmann had made a boo boo, many commentators took after Stephanopolous, calling the the former Clinton-era aide a "hack," and accusing him of "threatening" Bachmann.

To be "fair and balanced," during the 2008 campaign, then-Senator Obama did say, "Over the past 15 months, we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been in 57 states? I think one left to go . . ." When asked about this misstatement, the Senator laughed, smacked his forehead, and said "You got me on that one!" Nonetheless, his detractors have continued to use this against him . . . some going so far as to say that the "57 states actually refer to the 57 Islamic states in the world."

Nowadays, it would seem that what makes a fact a fact is not whether it is true or varifiable; it all depends on who is giving it voice . . .

Eerily, it's now been more than 30 years, since graduate school. I'm happy to report that my thirst for knowledge has yet to be slaked. In addition to preparing my High Holiday sermons, I'm rereading Victor Hugo's L'Homme Qui Rit ("The Man Who Laughs"), Phyllis Bottome's The Mortal Storm, and Victor Navasky's Naming Names, and getting ready for a new semester in which I'll be delivering six lectures a week.

But I still can't hit a curve ball or nail a three-pointer . . .

©2011 Kurt F. Stone